Thursday, September 29, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I'm a self admitted addict to pee sticks. After 4 miscarriages, who can blame me? I am obsessed with seeing the line get darker. 9-15 dpo here. The LH tests are are not pregnancy hormone persay so they are naturally always darker so don't let those throw you off. Control lines are all on right side, my lines all on left. Today's cheapie(bottom) is as dark as the control line though! Looks like we might have a sticky bean. I am starting to let myself get excited!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
AVENT bottles. Why oh why does Jax have to love these peice of crap bottles? Seriously. They leak through the collar. I do them tigher, they leak more, looser, same result. What am I doing wrong or are these notorious for this? I am having to change Jaxxon's entire outfit many x a day because of these leaking pile of crap bottles.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
This is how we told the kids!
I think I sat on the toilet seat! :O Didn't see this coming. Faint lines, but already nauseous(thats what tipped me off), yay me*insert sarcasm here*
Note: for the grammer police, yes I KNOW there shoulda been an apostrophe in we're and I put it there later after I took the pic. Blame it on preggo brain!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Its interesting to think about how different the dynamics of a large family are in a very religious home vs a non-religious one. Many of the Xtian books I was reading were all about training my daughters to be good little caregivers and house cleaners. My boys have always done plenty of chores too, but mostly outdoors or garbage related as suggested in books like "Created for Work." I realized this summer after we had been living without religion for a bit that this was clearly the wrong way to look at things. Why couldn't Everett bake cookies if he wanted to? I had previously told him this was too girly. Shame on me. Why can't Kayla take the trash out and water the dogs while Wyatt does dishes and Tanner scrubs the toilets? This is cross-gendered training according to several Xtian books. What is really is though, is hogwash! So back to the summer, I decided, the kids had to be rotating through ALL chores whether previously assigned "boy" or "girl." Everything has become gender neutral when it comes to chores in our home. Things like baking and knitting are no longer off limits to the boys if they should choose to try them. Kayla is free to ride dirt bikes and play in the wash for hours catching frogs with her brothers. I never told her she couldn't but I placed imaginary pressure probably to be non supportive of such things.
I am seeing how ridiculous most of the anti-feminism garbage, really is. They claim it ruins the family unit and causes societal problems. I think its quite the opposite. What if I kept Kayla inside all the time helping with household chores and acting as a mother in training? She would grow up burned out and angry and resentful towards me. She would likely not want any of her own children because she would have felt she already raised a brood. Now this is not to say she doesn't have to help out with babies or small kids or clean on occasion, of course she does. It does mean though that the boys help equally with those same responsibilities and I can guarantee you one thing, if they have kids, they will be great, hands-on dads who KNOW how to change a diaper and hold a newborns head up. They will know how to make a bottle and fold laundry. These skills are valuable to all the kids regardless of whether they are boy or girl. They will all grow up well rounded people with many skills and talents, some that never could have developed if they were shoved behind the fundamentalist label of Xtianity.
I'm proud of the way our family is evolving and the funnest part of our lives right now with the kids having started school, is seeing how their unique styles(clothing and personality) are developing. Watching everything evolve rapidly as the kids(and me) get up to speed with mainstream life will be what I will be writing about next time.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Looking back, Babycenter was not solely to blame for my search into religion. Around the same time I had people harassing me from Babycenter, I also began homeschooling. In our area there is 1 homeschool group and its a Christian group with nearly 200 kids. Now, not all, but many of these families are extremely religious. Of course the woman are sweet as pie and many befriended me immediately as I always was on my best behavior for group activities. Why conform? Its much more complicated than it seems. I would have been allowed in the group had I not been a good little Christian Mama, but I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. My kids would have felt awkward knowing we were different. What did I care? Remember we were homeschooling for nearly 6 years, this was our social outlet for that duration. You know the old saying, "birds of a feather, flock together." Or maybe it should be birdswho flock together start growing similar feathers?? Ha
It almost felt like through the years many of the women, though they would never admit it, were competing to be as fundamentally Christian as you can come up with. Imagine us all sitting there glossy-eyed reading books from vision forum, whilst simultaneously sitting there with a giant pregnant belly and a toddler latched to our titties. Never once did I see a person or child wear a swimsuit that was less than a full one piece or more common would be girls in shorts and swim shirts. I think the group was feeding into each other and each one was measuring herself against the Christian yardstick of submission, sweet and gentle tone with their children, homeschooling, cooking from scratch, having impeccably clean homes and reading Christian self help books and knitting in her spare time. Each was measuring herself against that Christian woman many of you know about from Proverbs 31, the ol' woman of noble character. I wished I could be her at many points. I wanted to fit in and be the best Christian mother I knew how. I had the disadvantage(at least I thought it was at the time) of not having been raised Christian so I had to work harder, read more, learn more and do more in a very short amount of time to get up to speed. Through the years though this would backfire as I would slip back to my old self happily and then guilt-ridden I would jump back on the church wagon and straighten up. In time I got really good at playing both sides. I had the "Christian Mommy" facade going with a girlfriend on the side. I know I know. Social pressure does funny things to people. It wouldn't have ever been perceived as pressure had I not relied on this for my children's social interaction. I felt denying myself and continuing with the group was the best thing for my kids.
Let me back up and explain with why we wanted to homeschool to start with. We started because Nate's schedules flip and change with the wind so it enabled more family time.
I'm sure your wondering, why the HELL did you continue homeschooling and exposing yourself to a group that you knew was toxic to your well being and trueness to yourself? Well, that's because of Wyatt. He has Aspergers syndrome and the first time we tried putting the kids into public school, he was maintsteamed and was teased and bullied mercilessly. The following year we tried again, this time they went for a measly 3 days until we found out that they needed to ship Wyatt clear across the city to the dumpiest campus in our city for the special education class. I agreed he NEEDED special ed, but not in that school. My husband and I choose to live in nice neighborhoods in the upper part of town, not to put our kids into that area. So that was out......another year of the homeschool group. The next year we lived in the mountains and school wasn't an option there because of all the snow(this mama can't drive in snow) nor did they have any homeschool support groups there so we tried to stay somewhat connected to the group down here. I did tell my husband that the kids would be going to school this year if there was ANY way we could figure out a placement for Wyatt. Thankfully we moved into our new house and waited all summer for the schools to open so I could call and get the skinny on special ed. Man, how lucky we got. For the first time I was going to have a choice. They had a mild special ed program with Aspies and other regular kids who just need help. This is exactly what we wanted. He is mainstreamed for recess and lunch, but you see he isn't the scrawny little 40 lb 6 year old anymore. He's a big man/boy 95lb nearly 10 year old. Suddenly people aren't bullying, he has friends from his close-knit special ed class and he is gaining more sociability and confidence as he handles more situations. Its been so awesome and the best part is, I no longer feel any need to conform to the homeschool group. I am free at last!
These women read my blog and that sucks because they are lovely women. If they read this, they probably won't like me much anymore and that sucks too. It is nothing they did to me personally. It was me. I tried to be different to match them and I never should have. Maybe I will save one of them from continuing their lives in that fashion if they are indeed miserable as well?
But, like I have said in the past, all the reading, searching, living out and being with Christians and LDS women has challenged me to educate myself as to what I REALLY believe. Homeschooling was also great for that. Kids are naturally very skeptical so they constantly asked questions about the Bible, something said at church, the way kids acted in the homeschool group and other things I probably would have never thought of. I sought to find them real answers, objective answers. I started realizing how badly this would affect the kids later to come to me and realize I was a phony and I didn't want to live that way anymore either. I think I am equal to my husband. I like my house clean so I clean it. I like dressing stylish and sexy, I have a great body that I work hard at, why the hell not show it off? I love having my kids in school where I can get a break. I like spending money on frivolous magazines about celebrity gossip, taking vacations, eating out and even the occasional pedicure.I'm sick of breastfeeding so I'm almost done weaning my...GASP, 11 month old. And best of all, I don't want more kids right now at all and I don't feel guilty to say it out loud! TskTsk. :0)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The intention of this blog is well thought out. I am leaving the other blog behind because quite frankly, I have outgrown it. I love my kids, but no longer refer to them as peas.....their getting a bit old for that. I am no longer searching in life. I have happily landed in mainstream land and I am likin' it despite all the negativity surrounding public schooling and every other thing I tried to be and wasn't. Who am I, I am me..... first and foremost. My seven kids play a large part in my life obviously, but they aren't all I am. I am done being controlled by religion, religious friends and church's. I have NO desire for brainwashing or indocrintation. I am over being impressionable and suppressed. I am over hating myself and hiding who I am. I am here to speak my mind loud and clear about whatever pops into my head be it politics, parenting, marriage, education, sex, religion or lack thereof, tolerance, etc. Welcome to this blog and I hope my old readers understand that I am not here to be "saved" or "helped." I don't need to be saved or fixed. I am not broken or lost or in need of rescue. If you think I am, then I think you are. I don't need followers who are in perfect agreement with all my sentaments, but I don't want daily links about why the bible is true or why I am wrong for not being a submissive christian lady raising a big family. I don't care if you think I am raising a generation of fuck-ups by no longer practicing religion. That isn't the purpose of this blog. I just want to talk openly without constant links from the "conversion police" or "missionaries" or whaever else you may call yourself. If god is up there, tell him to show himself because until then I am done believing. So if your not offended and willing to stick it out, "follow" my blog, if not, it was nice knowin ya!